March 16, 2024
I am 60! The shock led to a revelation that unhinged my past grievous emotions. Eventually, This personal criticism praised my courage and capability, filling me with aspiration for what I will refer to as my sassy sixties.
In my self-reflection of my younger years, I was intense and resentful with an impulsive rage toward people, objects, and myself. My defensiveness to this tantrum behavior was justified by my hardships. I had a highly competitive and dominant personality to shield my vulnerability. A mentality to be strong, in charge, and always right. I had no patience; everything had to be precise perfection. If not, I would exert all my energy at all costs to do so. Oblivious, this attitude alienated and hurt others. I had no tolerance for bullies or dishonesty. I would instinctively throw the first punch or bluntly verbalize to defend untruths and the underdog. The many hours of counseling diffused my quick outbursts with an awareness of my triggers to mend and comprehend. These therapy sessions provided a life treasure chest of tools to transform my aggression and acknowledge my feelings to a gracious, positive approach.
This decade-long transformation after my horse accident furthered my challenges with a roller coaster of emotional instability. My tenacious attitude has aided in conquering my recovery and quality of life. My persistence in challenges had its benefits. I would quote Mary Poppins to my kids growing up, saying I am “practically perfect in every way.” This summer, they communicated a different perception of my parenting techniques, which was far from perfect. An epiphany, they, too, lived through these intense emotional battles. It manifested deep internal conversations that humbled and healed the wounds of my past experiences. At this moment, my life is grand and rejuvenated with overwhelming gratitude and grace. My motivation to share this brief mental dialogue is an insight into my authentic struggles, emotional and physical.
Three years ago, at the end of this month, I had my dominant arm amputated. The decision to do an elective amputation was crazy and discouraged by many. This surgery revived my living amongst society, pain-free and drug-free. I love my summer job as a seasonal park ranger, which resumes in mid-April. I had fabricated a prosthetic appendage to help with my job tasks. It was tolerable and beneficial for protection and stability. It had several flaws. My local prosthetist willingly assists despite lacking specific upper components and products. I purchased parts from automotive stores and Amazon. It is a work in progress; my fingers are crossed that this new evolving design advances my vision.
I am eager to advocate my superior surgery to develop a prosthesis and further understand the phenomenon of nerve regeneration and brain function. I am fortunate to have had this specific surgery. Now that I accept these new challenges as an upper amputee and have communicated with a few amputees. I discovered many suffer from phantom pain and have difficulty attaining a functional prosthetic. I do not have any pain. I actually have a sense of an arm, which is why I want to advocate and scream from the rooftop. As an enthusiastic researcher, I speculate this surgical technique can help with other nerve injuries. I emailed any possible connection to upper amputation studies and neurophysiologists with some responses to further correspondence. As it manifests in the universe and awaits collaboration, I will be a force to be reckoned with in my pursuit.
My response from family, friends, and strangers is that I efficiently do things. They forget I am one-handed. How do you do it? Or if I do struggle, the suggestions flow. Please keep them coming. I do tend to use my teeth a lot. Besides inappropriate hygiene, it is wearing my front teeth down. I told my husband I needed to get some metal caps. Would that be a sight, a 60-year-old woman, one-arm amputee with a grill!
My enlightened, strong personality is ambitious to advance awareness, develop a feasible functional prosthetic, and design specific products for upper amputees.
I am brimming with gratitude and a life purpose to “pay it forward” gracefully.
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