June 4, 2022
How does one take charge of their health and life? Once I was successful and consistent with the biofeedback to deal with my pain. It was somewhat helpful but at least another tool for my life tool chest. I need and will take as many tools as I can get. The psychiatrist’s following instructions for gaining my overall health were to release my past trauma with those who hurt me by giving and receiving forgiveness. The idea of forgiveness brought resistance and discomfort. I believe that if you choose to forgive, the wrong is made right, and the offender avoids any consequences. We are accountable for our actions. I applied this belief all of my life, especially expecting more of myself and internalizing any blame. I suffered, as did the people I loved. I buried my pain deep inside, feeling invisible, ashamed, angry, alone, and unable to ask for what I needed. I hid the pain from others and myself. I built walls, put on masks, and pushed through my fears, for better or worse. The term used by my psychiatrist I was familiar with working with horses was “fight or flight” mode. This survival mode carried into my marriage, motherhood, and all my relationships. As an athlete, I understood another of his metaphors for letting go of the hurt by remembering that everything we experience is here to help us grow. Look at the people in your life that you need to forgive as personal emotional trainers, allowing you to evolve and grow. Finding ways to cultivate compassion for all people, whether or not you choose to continue having a relationship with them, will help you feel more at peace. We don’t need the other person’s participation to allow forgiveness to flow into our lives. Everyone has a story, pain, burdens, and a unique journey that we can never fully understand. The truth is that everyone has their own perspective of reality in dealing with life. We all have struggles, past and present. We can allow wrongdoings and people in our world to bring us down or embrace the goodness of life with the ability to trust and believe that all is unfolding exactly as it should.
It sounds beautiful, like a fairytale. When the struggles are raw. The old wounds start to surface or hit head-on with another challenge. It can feel impossible to believe life is going to get better. I was so conditioned to suppress them back down and ignore them. I need to grin and bear it in my head; the guilt of being vulnerable or emotional was never allowed. Someone else has it worse. At times, bitterness and anger built up. It can be triggered over a trivial issue, an emotional explosion.
It has been baby steps over the last twelve years. The 40-plus years of several deep wounds of trauma and embedded emotional habits caused significant struggles to overcome this survival mode. The ongoing obstacles question my purpose in life. I chose to allow the fight or flight mode to run my life.
It has taken me several days to post this blog. As I review notes, reminisce through past pictures, and relive my past journey with the constant pain, treatments, surgeries, isolation, and the array of pharmaceutical drugs caused a whirlwind of uncontrollable emotions. I took to the road from Northern Michigan to Florida along the way, spending memorable time with family and friends. This solo journey laid the new groundwork for me to acknowledge forgiveness as the path to releasing my resentment, anger, and pain. It opened my heart to freedom and happiness with a life of HOPE. I realize I am still just that little girl following her dreams. Instead of forcing the future and beating up the past. My new path is to “let the mystery be.”
I will leave you today with a special song my son Zack wrote a few years ago. He wrote it during a time of his own struggles with his health and life. I remember the day he wrote and played it for me. At the time, the title was “mystery.” Later he did a duet with his cousin titled “somewhere fine. “ I felt it was a perfect time to share. Music has been one of my tools for healing, especially my son’s. I am a proud mom.
personal blog 